We’ve all done it. We assess other people’s social media pages and postings, examine others at work, and at play. We pass people on the street, watch them in movies, and read about them on and offline. And we create a story about who they and how well they live life. And whether we realize it or not, we are not only making judgements about others, we are actually judging ourselves. It’s easy to use others as a mirror for ourselves. We see someone’s travel pictures and think “Why don’t I travel to all of these places? Maybe my life is lacking in some way.” We hear about others retiring early, or buying a second home, or landing a big client and wonder why that isn’t us. We see people who physically appeal to us and quickly assess how we compare. It can trigger feelings of insecurity, about our professional success, our financial situation, our relationships, our physical appearance, our life!
And since these days people spend so much of life online, it is noteworthy to add that research shows that the more time people spend on social media, the less happy they are. And it is directly related to these comparisons that we make. Now, it can be helpful to remember that lots of people use social media to curate perceptions about themselves, their careers and life in general. They edit out the unpleasant or the mundane, and create a sort of “best of” collection of moments, to empress themselves and the world. We know this. And yet, we are not immune to its effects.
So why do we do it? Why, at a networking event or party for example, do we use others to measure ourselves? I think it is because the human brain does not like uncertainty. It interprets uncertainty as a threat that causes discomfort. It’s so uncomfortable that millions of people remain in bad jobs, bad relationships, and under bad circumstances just to avoid the unknown. People find it easier to endure what they know, rather than enduring the discomfort of uncertainty. And what does this have to do with comparisons? Everything. We compare to remove the uncertainties of life. We seek to create a sort of baseline of where we should be by gathering information about others. We want to know how we are doing? We want to know where we are on that baseline – that we are good enough (whatever that is) – that we are where we should be in our lives. We want a baseline to take away the uncertainty. That way we can either allow ourselves to be happy, or make changes and strive for something else. We put more faith in other’s choices rather than trust in our own.
And there’s two big problems with that logic. The first is that our perceptions of others are not accurate. Everything we encounter gets filtered through our biases, history, beliefs and especially our underlying fears. Plus we often base our perceptions on limited information. We construct mistaken thoughts and opinions about others, and thus ourselves. I’ve heard it time and time again, unhappy people who think they are too flawed, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not rich enough, (even though others would quickly disagree). We all have that inner critic. It unnecessarily wrecks with our well-being, and hold us back from reaching our full potential.
The second problem is that each of us is on our own unique path. We can’t walk someone else’s. But, we can create and walk your own. And here’s the truth. There are happy, successful people living at all income levels. There are happy, successful people who are in relationships and happy, successful people who choose to be single. There are happy, successful people in all shapes, sizes and colors, with varying levels of education. And happy, successful people in different chapters of their lives, experiencing milestones at their own pace. You don’t have to buy-in to who you think you are supposed to be, what you think you should have, how you think you should get it, and by when, based on how others are doing it.
Instead, here is what is most important: knowing who YOU are, authentically, what motivates YOU, intrinsically, what it is that YOU want in your life, and what timeframe feels right for YOU. The power comes in knowing and embracing these things. These are the questions you want to ask yourself. These are the places to focus your energy. Because this is how you become immune to comparisons. When you are grounded, in your own baseline, you are free, to interact with others, on and offline, unencumbered by comparisons and judgement.